Chances are that at some point you’ve taken part in a team building exercise. You know, when you and your colleagues are asked to solve a problem, accomplish a task, do some structured bonding, etc. People have mixed feelings about them, but most of the time my coworkers are on board, and I actually think they’re a lot of fun. (Except for the trust fall. I hate that one. It’s not that I don’t trust people…I just don’t like falling.)
Anyway, this week I had some training that included resource management and group decision making, and one of the activities asked us to figure out a plan to survive a zombie apocalypse. We were given lists of possible team members, equipment, and locations, and told to narrow it down and create the best possible survival plan.
I was in nerd heaven.
After my group had finished discussing our options and creating our final list, we stopped talking about the options provided for the scenario and began discussing how we would deal with a zombie outbreak at work. During that conversation, someone asked us all to choose three people to be part of our survival team.
And no one picked me. It was like being back in gym class in elementary school, when the entire third grade knew I was much more likely to be hit in the face with a ball than to catch it.
Ok, I get it. I’ve never even held a real weapon. I have no mechanical or technical skills. I’m clumsy and tend to trip over everything (or nothing at all). I don’t fit any of the typical zombie survival criteria. Still, I propose that you consider my other skills before you decide to abandon me to the shambling horde.
So in my own defense, I present to you the reasons that, in the event of a zombie attack, you want me on your roster:
1. You’re going to need motivation.
During an apocalyptic event, it’s going to be very tempting to give in to despair. It doesn’t matter what kind of action heroes you’ve assembled if they don’t have the will to keep fighting. Luckily, I am a positive, optimistic person who excels at inspiring others. I will encourage your team to keep up the fight. I will remind them of what’s at stake. I will, at a moment’s notice, summon a joke to break tension or a Hollywood quality motivational speech. By the time I’m through, no one will even think of the possibility of failure.
Let’s go kill some zombies. (I’ll be right here behind the tough guy.)
2. I have nerd power.
Have you read The Zombie Survival Guide cover to cover? Have you read it twice? Have you read half a dozen lesser-known works on the issue? Watched literally hundreds of zombie movies and television shows, both foreign and domestic? Read The Walking Dead comics and seen the show? Somehow, I doubt it. You know who has?
Knowledge is power, people. I know the tips, the tricks, and the tactics. You need my advice if you’re going to make it to the finish line.
3. Conflict resolution will be essential.
Tension is going to be high. People are going to be stressed. There will be disagreements, arguments, and internal strife.
And we don’t have time for it. You’re going to need a mediator, a peace maker, an arbiter. Luckily, I’m your girl. At work, with my family, and with my friends, I am always the go-to person for conflict resolution. I have the experience. I have the training. I will keep our team functioning like a well-oiled machine.
4. I don’t quit.
No sleep? No problem. Am I injured? I’ll keep going. I am ready to push myself to the limits, and beyond, every hour, every minute, every second. Never, ever underestimate the power of a workaholic on a mission. You’re going to need people with that kind of grit.
5. Eventually we’ll need to build a society.
In spite of all that, I understand that during the initial run/kill/hide phase of the zombie invasion, you might think that you’d rather have someone with shotgun skills. I’ve already acknowledged that I’m not going to be your greatest asset in terms of actual fighting. However, you shouldn’t be short-sighted. At some point, survivors will gather, a location will be secured, and we’ll have to turn our attention to the future of humanity.
It would be really lame if we fought our way through the horde just to fall apart when we reach the point of relative safety. So now, fearless leader, it’s time to think about how we keep surviving, and you’re going to need people with a different skill set.
It might be helpful to have:
- Someone who has a degree in organizational leadership
- Someone who has experience in inventory, resource management, and employee scheduling
- Someone who has planned and executed conventions and other major events
- Someone who has led teams and managed personnel
Who in the world could possibly meet that criteria? I’ll give you three guesses.
I should also mention that you don’t have to worry about me challenging your authority. I have no desire to be top dog. You can be Jed Bartlet, and I’ll be Leo McGarry. You can be Miranda Priestly, and I’ll be Andrea Sachs. You can be Tony Stark, and I’ll be Pepper Potts. In other words, you tell me what needs to happen, and I’ll get it done.
Let’s face it. You need me, alive and uninfected.
Are you convinced? Why would YOU be a good choice for a survival team? Who else would you pick if you were a team leader? Geek out with me in the comments!