Amanda Cade

Worth It! (Things to try, read, watch, hear, and discuss)

What does it take to cause a group of compassionate, intelligent individuals to begin shouting and attacking each other? In the case of a recent zoom call between a collection of my oldest friends, it was someone asking how everyone is doing.

Although this has been asked and answered every time we’ve connected, this time tempers started flaring among the group as the different responses highlighted broad gaps in how everyone was handling the current crisis, and people began challenging others’ feelings and opinions. Here’s a brief summary of the major complaints:

  • Talking about positive effects of the lockdown was insensitive to people adversely affected by the crisis, and to those on the call who were having difficulty coping.
  • Continuously focusing on how difficult things are is essentially demanding that everyone be anxious and miserable.
  • People without children have it easy right now, and have no idea how stressful it is to be a parent right now.
  • People with children should be grateful that they have a family to help them avoid extreme feelings of loneliness and isolation.

need new friendsWhat was intended to be a supportive social interaction devolved with shocking speed into an angry venting of stress and frustration, directed not at the situation, but at each other. I wish I could say that I stayed out of it, but I’m going to be honest and tell you that when I felt attacked, I eventually struck back. To say that none of us were being our best selves would be a colossal understatement.

Thankfully, everyone agreed to take some time to cool off and then resume the call later. On the second try, we were able to talk about what had happened, and work through it together. I wanted to share some takeaways from that conversation:

  1. Our feelings are legitimate, and so are everyone else’s. We should neither attack others for their reactions, nor worry about criticisms of our own.
  2. Being supportive means listening without judgement, even when the other person’s words hit a nerve.
  3. Talking about who has it “the best” or “the worst” is a game where everyone loses.

we need to talkOne especially useful part of the conversation was when one friend quoted a line from a Matchbox 20 song: “I’m sorry about the attitude I need to give when I’m with you, but no one else will take this s*** from me”. From there, we agreed that it’s important to understand and forgive each other, but that we should also be careful how often we take advantage of that pledge.

In this time of high stress, I urge all of you to be patient, kind, and forgiving, but also to remember that your feelings, whatever they are, are legitimate and perfectly ok. Take care of yourself and your loved ones.

love

My comments section is a judgement free zone, so how are you doing? 

24 thoughts on “It’s Ok To Feel The Way You Feel

  1. Mrs ESTJ says:

    A thoughtful post. Everyone is affected differently and we can all assume others have it easier than us. I’m trying to home school and work, which is hard, but at least I’m not completely on own all day.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Amanda Cade says:

      Hats off to you and all the other working parents. I know my sisters are finding the situation challenging.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Mrs ESTJ says:

    It is. I have a brother though who is completely on his own. Whilst he might be able to get work done in the week, the weekends must be a drag!

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Amanda Cade says:

      They definitely drag a little. I sometimes do some extra work on the weekends just to have something to do.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Mrs ESTJ says:

        Ugh. I’ve taken up crochet!

        Liked by 2 people

  3. fakeflamenco says:

    We attended a zoom party last night with a mix of singles and partnered, with us as the only parents of a small child. I was aware that the tensions you mentioned were underlying the interactions but fortunately they didn’t come to the forefront. A friend set up a structure for the meeting where we each share a joke, a song, a funny story or short video. That seemed to uplift our spirits. Thanks for bringing up this topic.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Amanda Cade says:

      I’ve participated in a lot of online interactions, and this is the only one that got ugly, but it definitely made me more aware of the potential underlying issues.

      Liked by 2 people

  4. Tensions are high everywhere. Unfortunately it won’t be going away anytime soon.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Amanda Cade says:

      So true. We just have to do the best we can.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Anne McClane says:

    Thanks for sharing this; I’m glad you were able to all take a break and resume, and conclude on a more supportive note. That doesn’t always happen.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Amanda Cade says:

      Luckily, we’re a group that believes in talking things through, and knows the value of cooling off. I’ve been in other situations where things didn’t work out so well.

      Liked by 3 people

      1. Anne McClane says:

        That’s a group of friends worth keeping 🙂

        Liked by 2 people

  6. Different people reacting differently, depends on situation too. But staying positive is only solution according to me. I know this time is tough but I know it will pass.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Amanda Cade says:

      I’m also focusing on being positive.

      Like

      1. That’s nice Amanda. Take care and Stay Safe 💞.

        Liked by 1 person

  7. Simon says:

    A great meassgae… something we all need to remember 🙂
    Keep well

    Like

  8. Thanks Amanda for a very balanced approach to this situation that we find ourselves in. It is the first time most of us have faced this kind of global pandemic and the consequences to us on a personal level. I have to watch what I say in interactions as we have both been working from home for the last 20 years plus, are fairly anti-social and because of our previously nomadic life, tend to keep in touch online anyway. We can only imagine what it is like to be parents, have to change our work routine, cope with worry about finance and health and also the long term outcomes. Your points were well made and should be followed by everyone… enjoy your weekend. Sally

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Amanda Cade says:

      The transition has definitely been difficult for a lot of people, and the longer it goes on the more nerves are fraying. It must be interesting for you, having a lot of experience with working from home, to see how others are adapting.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It takes months to define your space in a different way and when there are two of you and children, boundaries don’t exist unless you establish them. That takes tact and diplomacy and treats… x

        Liked by 1 person

  9. The Eclectic Contrarian says:

    We’re almost hopelessly separated. We’ve been so well divided as a country and society where just because you drink Coke, the Pepsi people will abhor you…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Amanda Cade says:

      There’s a lot of division, but I don’t think it’s too late to find ways to disagree respectfully and seek common ground.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. The Eclectic Contrarian says:

        I hope you’re right.

        Liked by 1 person

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